Friday, July 16, 2010

Awaiting my parents

Gotta say I'm getting tired of long distance travels now. The amount of traveling I did since April was excessive. I think I almost wasted the equivalent of a week's time on buses/trains/ planes alone. For most of it, I was traveling alone.

And thinking, and thinking, and thinking... until I'm too tired to think!

Perhaps it's because I've outgrown yet another phase of life. Whatever comes after seemed somewhat daunting.

Well since I was pulled into kindergarten at 5, life mainly revolved around education, and surviving examinations, one at a time. At 21 and a half, it's been 16.5 years of learning. If you think this is the end of examinations, you're too wrong.

Tis the time to put this 16.5 years of knowledge to the ultimate test, and see what I can make of myself. There's no one else to blame for failures, no more resits, no more misuse of extenuating circumstances to my own advantage.

More than ever now, learning has to continue, more, faster and harder! If I want to achieve what I want. There are people out there, who wants it too, and they will do anything they can to beat me to it. But guess what, I know what I want, and I want it BAD. So back off people. Better give up before you get disappointed.

I'm just kidding about the last paragraph. Or maybe I'm not.

Looking back on the 16.5 years, the last 4 was undoubtedly the most challenging. To date, I am still astonished that I made it to the end of my Masters degree, and have my name ready to be read on Graduation Day.

Of the many times when I just broke down and cried from stress and depression, I really (honestly, genuinely, wholeheartedly) thought I didn't have what it takes to make it to the end of the road. Ask my mother how I cried to her on the phone from a toilet cubicle because I thought I failed a paper back in Year 2. Thank goodness, I never failed a single paper throughout my uni years. It's an achievement on its own. But lo and behold, I learned that a little perseverance, determination and hard work goes a long way. Especially when lacking in natural talent. Cliche, but true. There is a reason why words along these lines are overused, simply because there is truth to it.

All these fond memories of education, I will replay in my head, as I prepare to accept the scroll I worked so hard for. The finishing line will be reached next Tuesday. Wait for it.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Changes on me, but still it may change nothing.

A new realization has dawned upon me. Who knew that so many things could change in one summer, one trip back home? You know I'm not as stubborn as you think, I can change quite easily, for all the reasons perceived as right.

Life changed
Going home was nerve wrecking as I haven't been home for awhile. Things back home have changed while I was gone, and so have I while I was away, and I wasn't sure if I could feel entirely comfortable being back as I did before I left. But. For most of my worries, there were pleasant surprises beyond my wildest imagination.

Life turned out to be breathtakingly phenomenal. Multiple meetings with branches of the family tree took place. It somehow reminded me of how much I've grown, and changed. Met a ridiculous number of people this summer, reinforcing old friendships, and building new bridges with a handful of amazing souls I am very pleased that I have met. Being at home made me miss home even more when I left.

And so, I know no matter how long I will be away, this is and always will be HOME. A place where life is most comfortable for me, and it is lovable this way.

Perceptions changed.
An unfortunate incident on someone I know, shook me to realization. I felt helpless, but I prayed for them. God bless her and her family. I guess we all need a wake up call every now and then, to realize that life is not in our hands to control, as much as we love to believe in the contrary. Life could be taken away anytime, if not by yourself, it could be by someone else.

And I kept thinking, would I be happy if I died now. If I had the chance to do something quick before I die, what would it be? I think I would just let the people I care about know how much I love them, for they made my life worth living, just by being part of it. I would want them to know that, because they could still make another person's life beautiful.

Resolutions changed.
I'll take an advice from someone this time. I have resolved to attempt to quit voluntary/ unnecessary drinking and clubbing, and other vices. If I can cut a habit of hitting people, I can do this too. Again, I'm not as stubborn as you think. I can, and will change, for the right reasons. Because I want to.

By the way, its about time I announced this. Yours truly is currently back in Nottingham, preparing for graduation on 20th July, and gearing up to start work on 26th July in Oxford. Yes, I graduated! Another post on that later ;) The next few weeks will be challenging for reasons I cannot seem to explain, but I'll cope, like I always do.