Wednesday, October 17, 2012


Do you believe in fate?

As in, somewhere out there, there are pre-determined plans for you. No matter how you try to change it, you seem to be left with options that will lead you down the same path. That same door is left, time and time again.

I think I'm a believer.

They say your life is an equation of all your decisions. Well, that is true... only to a certain extent.

There has been so many instances, where I initially had a plan. Naturally, when you have a plan, you stick to the plan right? Common knowledge. But no... every time my "plan" comes to a crossroad, things never go as I have planned. Some random door always finds its way onto my crossroads, with a gravity to deviate me from my plans. While I make a decision to open this unexpected door, it was not my original intention to open this door. Thus it is not entirely my decision that I chose this post-door path. Fate presented an opportunity to alter my decision. Which means, fate has control over my life, and my decisions. Therefore, life is dependent on fate, not on my decisions, because fate messes with my decisions. This proves that the premise of "life is an equation of all your decisions" to be inaccurate. Confused yet?

So with every crossroad, plans change... into another plan.

And its like a song on loop. It repeats itself. That is exactly how I have stopped making anything more than a short-term plan. Long-term plans never live long enough to see fruition anyway. As such, I have also stopped talking about long-term plans.

You see, we're here again. At this crossroad.

Day before yesterday, I was so sure I was going to take this blue door today. However, this annoying red door sprang on me yesterday.

I should really have seen this coming. Why don't I ever learn?

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Reflections after a cappuccino

This morning has been a very rare occasion.

There I was sipping my cappuccino in McDonald's, with a paperback in the other hand, letting time just slip by. Catching just the right amount of the elusive British sun from the window in the gorgeously comfortable 16'C weather, and a hint of chatter from the other patrons accompanying as background noise. Might I say, the background noise was ideal, no kids because it's a weekday and they're in school, not too loud as most people are at work. I have never felt so relaxed and carefree for a long while.

Although I was expecting a phone call from the garage for when my car has finished its MOT, I pretty much have the next hour to blissfully waste away.

My engrossment in the book was suddenly interrupted by a McDonald's staff. In short, she was advertising a £1 raffle to raise money for the Ronald McDonald House Charities, and the winner stands to win an enormous "I LOVE DAD" hamper. I told her, my dad is not around here, but I'm happy to contribute anyway. She gave me a sheet to fill my name and contact details next to a number, I was quite pleased to write next to my favourite No.2, which has not been claimed yet. She also made a point to clarify that my contact details will not to passed to any third party, along with all those standard disclaimers, to which I just said "Don't worry about it, I trust you". A subtle wash of relief took over in her face, as I watch her relax and explain that many customers prior to myself had wanted to know that information which is why she is doing it.

As she left, I took a quick glance on my phone - 10.55am. My car must be ready any time now. I polished off what's left of my now barely warm beverage, bookmark my book, and released myself into cool breeze and sun cocktail of a weather on the walk back towards the garage.

The walk was brief. With no other distractions but walking, I set myself to autopilot and reflected:

If I had been approached in the same manner 5 years ago, I would have politely given her an excuse to not participate. While it's not pretty to admit, that was the person that I was. Not because I wasn't kind. Simply because I would have thought too much.

Maybe it was the culture that I grew up in, or even the unofficial education that I've had through the years. Maybe it was the scandals I've read in the news, or even just observing other people who have behaved similarly. The idea was, people just do not approach you for no good reason, they are always after something. However, "Charity", was not recognized as a valid reason because it does not translate to any personal gain on the pursuer's part. Thus, I should be more guarded because the actual motive is being deliberately concealed. If there is something to be hidden, it must not be good. Many in society believed that charities are scams, and that they often fail to make a difference anyway, and are therefore branded as a waste of time, effort and resources.

If I don't already trust this person, why should I surrender my money, name, or contact details to him. To outsmart his unknown scheme, I should be considered wise to prevent his endeavors from bearing fruit.

What a load of rubbish this is to me now.

I have learnt a valuable lesson in life - TRUST.

I believe that I should make a difference to this world. No matter how big or small the effort is, it's a social responsibility. I believe that if I try, I will somehow make a difference. No matter how big or small the difference is, there will be a difference. If I am incapable of putting myself out there doing all the hard work, I should TRUST the organizations that actually does go out there and do all the dirty work.

I TRUST in kindness.

I give to organizations that I believe are capable of delivering their end of the bargain. I give sensibly according to my own means, not extravagantly. I do not give blindly, especially to beggars. I believe that if one is able, and have an excess, it is more worthwhile to be contributed to help make someone's life better, than splurging on a luxury object that holds no moral value.

I BELIEVE in giving, more than receiving.

I give away part of my income monthly to an organization of my choice, because I earn enough to live on. I will put on a funny headband for a days work to help raise money for British Heart Foundation. But how many young people these days are actually willing to part with their money for people who are less fortunate? Let alone on a regular basis. Many lament that its never enough for them, they always want more. Giving away a part of their personal wealth is simply antagonizing their mission to hoard more. Other come up with various excuses about protecting their information, and preventing scammers from making a profit. That disappoints and saddens me that despite years of evolution and civilization, greed remains unchanged, deeply etched within society in one form or the other. Even if its not greed, fellow human beings simply judge someone they don't know much about - as someone they can't trust.

I am terribly frustrated. If the society carried on doubting, and scrutinizing everything that is trying to do good, that will perhaps be the end of kindness. To be kind, one first needs to trust. I have seen and experience so much kindness, I know it is worth it. I only hope others will believe in it too. And for those who is like the old me, eventually shake off the stigmas, and embrace a new kind of trust.

Monday, May 07, 2012

9 months of serious can do this to me.

A lot of people that are not apart of my immediate day-to-day life has probably lost track of me. Admittedly, I have not been blogging, been much less active on Facebook, never on messenger, almost always offline on Skype.

No, I've not been commissioned off to be a spy.

To put it simply, too many thing have happened. I found myself having grown an incredible amount over the past year or so. It would be terribly boring, and thrill killing for people who has not been through this phase, therefore I shall not bore everyone with the details.

Well, I've been busy with... adult stuff. Things I used to not care about, because those jobs belonged to our parents, or adults. (By the way, we're not talking about x-rated stuff here.)

To be honest, I have lost interest in a lot of things, in a good way. For example, I have completely lost interest in publicizing every minute detail (exciting or not exciting) in my life. Be it on the blog, or Facebook, or the need to tell someone about it even though no one is around (this is where messenger comes in). The other big excuse for it? I don't have the time to indulge in self-publicity anymore. Nor do I find any satisfaction, or meaning behind it anymore. As much as I hate to admit this, I was doing it just like everyone else, only refusing to consciously admit that I was doing it. Looking back to my pimple filled teenage years, it seemed so very silly that it was such a big part of being socially relevant. I have since waved goodbye to these antics of yester-years, and have embraced the comfort of obscurity and privacy. I guess at some point, one will eventually get tired of fishing for social attention/ approval, or worse still, public scrutiny at things that you do. Because that is just what some people live to do. People like to pretend that they have influence on your social status, and they use it. People love to judge you because it's an interesting activity to add to their mundane life. In addition to that, for some weird reason, I've noticed that the older we become, the worse it gets. So much for being older and wiser. Plenty grow up to be a bigger child with larger issues. Who cares what other people think? (Except for my boss, of course, he signs my paycheck, he is a big deal) I've stopped caring. They don't need to know, neither should they try poke and pry to attempt to know. To people who are prying, I live a really boring, predictable life. So go send your prying little nose to another person who will give your more exciting information.

The relatively smaller engagement with social media now means keeping in touch with people, many of whom are far away from me, but I still care about. It does not mean, however, that I do not want to update these people of how I am doing though. I am still very happy to catch up, over messages and Skype when the opportunity arrises. Just not shoving information that are not requested down their throats like having-a-spread-in-Hello-magazine style.

I am sure I will update in time, gradually, when I know. But for the essentials, I am really happy at work, been working so hard my salary now is more than double what it was this time last year. Perfect excuse to explain my busy-ness. I have not posted on this blog I was in Rome last November, I've been back home to Malaysia in January for CNY. For anything else, call me ;)