Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Feeling Special

I don't ask to be special to everyone. In fact, I will be very content, it I was just special to someone. Just one. Once upon a time, I did, and I was happy for awhile.

Gradually, I have begun to lose that feeling. Turns out that everything that was special, doesn't seem so special anymore. It is no longer special when it's not exclusive, when other people get the same thing as well. All of a sudden, I felt ordinary again. But feeling ordinary only lasted for awhile. Before long, I felt rather stupid. For thinking that it was special, when it's actually an everyday thing for the other person. For thinking that I was special, when other people are made to feel more special. For being extremely happy about things that probably doesn't mean anything to the other person at all. For being told "You are special", only to know that I'm not.

After much thought and consideration, I came up with the usual optimistic thoughts that have so far kept me from self destruction. I became glad for not asking to be special to many people, because when I find out it's otherwise, it feels horrid. And also I've decided that I shall never hope or expect to be special to anyone at all, because some people are either think I'm terribly stupid and blind, or they always don't mean what they say because they don't have balls are not a man.

A toast to forever being content with what I have, and can control. Because relying one someone else emotionally is equivalent to being suicidal. There's really no point giving someone so much control of my life, because they don't deserve it.


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