Merdeka in UK No.2

My second Hari Kebangsaan in UK. It wasn't difficult to count. I'm wondering when is the next time that I will actually be able to be a Malaysian, in Malaysia, with Malaysian food, and speaking Malaysian English on Hari Kebangsaan.

August 31st, 2010 is not just a regular day in the UK. It is the day AFTER Bank Holiday. Which means, the end of your Free-Monday-Holiday, back to a regular working day!

There is no hint of festivities here in Oxford, where Malaysians are few and sparse this time of the year. But still I couldn't help noticing this day, creeping up on me. I wouldn't call myself one who is uber patriotic to the country. I have as much bad things to say about the country as are the good ones. Was it because I was so used to looking forward to just a holiday?

Digressing a little, there has been plenty of reflection lately. I'm wondering so much, about pretty much everything... You can call me WonderGirl :)

Working abroad after my studies, I am a Malaysian who is contributing her skills and income tax to a foreign country. For the money, and for better prospects. Still, I would never dream of giving up my citizenship for Malaysia. And as you are right now, I am pretty confused.

Malaysia does still mean something to me, how much, I'm still trying to work out. I'm pretty sure, that many of the other Malaysians abroad would ultimately want to return to our homeland if only some circumstances would change. Prospects, mentality, rights, and so on...

As for now, I will celebrate my citizenship. By carrying the mini-Jalur Gemilang I got from Nottingham Malaysia Society in my backpack, and let the stripes of glory join the backdrop of The City of Dreaming Spires for today. And will probably dine in our nation's favourite food: MAGGI Instant Noodles in the default flavour "Kari". Tonight, I will sleep with hopes for our beloved country, and that they will come true.

Negaraku, Tanah tumpahnya darahku

Rakyat hidup, Bersatu dan maju

Rahmat Bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan

Raja Kita, Selamat Bertakhta.

Fragile Emotions

My eye hurts.

There's no doubt that it was due to the tears I shed while watching some ordinary videos. Like, a contestant on X-Factor getting their moment in the auditions, etc.

Lately, I've morphed into this person with very low emotional threshold, overreacting to emotional stimulants, such as words. And not just any emotions, mind you. It's stuff like feeling touched, excited or sad... especially it is something I can relate to. Not anger though, I haven't been angry for a long time, I think I've given up on it.

I wonder if it's because my heart has gone fragile since its last massive injury. Imagine a heart shaped china that was smashed to pieces. It may have took a long period of time to be pieced back together again. With industrial strength super glue, if you like. And now the china is standing again in its original shape. But you know, it is not as strong as before. You give it a little poke, and you can feel the structure shaking, but not yet breaking.

Something like that, yeah. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just not sure if I should (or can) do something about it. One thing's for sure though, that things happen in life, and they can change you. For better, or for worse, only time will be able to tell.

Big appetite

It would seem that the most energy consuming organ in me is my BRAIN.

My appetite lately is almost insatiable since work commenced, leaving me feeling famished 99% of the time, despite eating plenty! And I know it's plenty because it is scary just looking at the amount of food I vanish off everyday.

Current lunch plans have been updated to:

A mug of Cadbury's Hot Chocolate
4 slices of bread with jam
1 bag of random crisps
2 tomatoes

As it takes me an hour to get home after work, I have also found myself planning a pre-dinner snack on my journey, now being:

2 bananas
1 KitKat

Don't even want to get started on my breakfast/ dinner. And the worst part is, I haven't grown at all! Am I an alien or something?

Random Rant

Welcome to another moment of frustration with Ling.

Sometimes I care too much about how others feel. What's worse, is that I let that affect me. At this moment, I wish I was more cold-hearted.

Everyone is caring about what THEY want, as well as how I should be to help them get WHAT they want. Simply because they don't care.

I try telling them what I want, but in the end I always get mindgamed by them (and myself) into pleasing others.

You know what. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I'm too tired to care, I really am. It's your problem, and not mine. I've dealt with my share of the problem, and it's solved as far as I'm concerned. If you can't deal with it, LEARN. FYL.

HANG ON.

If you just thought, "Kudos girl", wait just a second.

On the other hand, if I stopped caring as much. So will everyone else (not that there's much of anyone else out there), and eventually, this place that we live in, will just turn into this gray, miserable place. Maybe that's why I'm special, because I still care about people. And just maybe, I can still show people that caring is worthwhile.

But everyone else is making it so difficult for me to be nice.

So I'm holding that thought, for further consideration.

Joining Oxford Brookes Uni Sports Centre

Thanks guys for the undying stream of peer pressure.

I AM JOINING THE OXFORD BROOKES UNIVERSITY SPORTS CENTRE BY THE END OF AUGUST.

There I said it. Once said, cannot chicken already. Pool only membership for only £40 for 3 months. It is an UBER nice pool heated at 30'C!

Of course the bonus is uni-student-views. Teeheehee... Must. Look. Damn. Hot. When. I. Qualify. For my personal confidence and satisfaction. Try talking me out of this one, hmph!

Too much dispensing

You know you spend too much time hiding within the great walls of the dispensary when...

You start getting '28' tablets or capsules, exactly, plus minus 1 occasionally, with one pour from the big bottle of 100's.

You have that 'look' when your colleague looks at you in amazement when you know Singulair lives in the 'M' drawer, because it is actually a brand of Montelukast.

You start correcting people's pronunciation of 'erithmin' to 'eh-ree-tro-mai-sin'.

FML.

Working Life

So this is what being a working professional is like. 2 weeks into the job, and I'm not even sure I get the hang of it.

It scares to think that for (almost) the rest of my life, I will have to drag myself out of bed, work my ass off, and then try and recharge before having to drain my batteries again. FOR WHAT?

SO I CAN FEED MYSELF. And I still find myself starving for most of the day. I'm eating LOADS these day, it's crazy. But the job demands are ATP-demanding, and I find myself needing to refuel very often. Therefore I have stocked up on crisps and kitkats in my workplace's locker, and on my bag to enable snacking anywhere, anytime!

I'm struggling to have a life outside work.

When I'm home, I try not to think about work, or do any work for that matter. But I can't because of the wretched exam. Today I found out someone failed prereg. HOLY COW! I'm shuddering in fear now. If there's an earthquake near you, that would be me.

How do people find time to go to the gym, or take a class, or even have time to do their laundry for that matter? I'm just trying to get in touch with people outside of my work to feel alive! Already, that is hard. THOSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE SIAO OR WHAT. Either that or they don't do shit at work.

On another note, work is going well. Better this week. Much better. Imagining the rest of the year is no longer an episode of "One Litre of Tears" now. Yours truly was just too quick to feel disappointed with my ability to adapt. Truth is, it does take awhile. And I was putting too much pressure on myself, as always.

Need to master - chilling.

Tons of things to look forward to in the coming weeks and months. Foreseeing many many trips to London, because there're people visiting from Australia, Malaysia, etc. At least some sense of normalcy has resumed --- being the Busy Bee that I am...

Quarter Life Crisis

If you don't already know, I was having a quarter life crisis. With this new life, in a new place, with new people, new job...

I was struggling to cope, especially without my regular support group of friends around. And then, Daniel sent me this amazing piece which I think my peers could read and relate to.

Dedicated to you all...

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't now and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job...and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger.

You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself.....and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.