Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Confessions of an Anxious Teen

I've waited more than 2 months. T-Gen says it'll be out by 12.00pm. Barely an hour to 12, the psychological effect itself was too overwhelming, to the extent that I doubted if my poor heart could take the heartrate. Walking into the grounds, every step was almost followed by an imaginary drumroll. Then, it's as if I'm a pin, being knocked down by a humungous bowling ball.

"Results will be released after 3.00pm "

I couldn't help but mutter a string of swear words under my breath. After some enquiry, it was known that our "beloved" Cambridge A Levels (CAL) directors are up and about doing their own business. To their delight and our dismay, the entire last semester's A2 population were put on hold, just because of 2 overgrown nutcases. I bet they must be sniggering somewhere, popping groundnuts into their mouths, watching the college being flooded by anxious students, laughing at the reactions of those who saw that ugly piece of paper, hastily stuck to the CAL office's door. They should be grateful that my large dose of anxiety had overcomed both anger and frustration. Or else, they'd be getting themselves a new door.

3 hours. That's pretty short when you're having fun. An eternity, when you want it to pass as quickly Father Time permits. Helplessly, we waited. Revisited good ol' Cafe Cabanna too. I can tell the aunty there misses the boy so much, unless of course, she's one of those touchy-feely type of person. Since Leong and Ming didn't mind being touched, who am I to say anything about it, eh? Lol, she's a sweet lady, still gave us student discounts! Although, technically speaking, we are not. No matter how much talking we fitted in between bites, our lunch lasted a mere hour. The remaining time was spent in Asia Club, inhaling deadly fumes, stinking my shirt and hair in the process.

Funny how I never thought about jostling and pushing everyone else, just to get to that miserable piece of slip. I could sniff the anxiousness in the air from a mile away. Sure enough, I wasn't ready. With IT in a trembling right hand, I can hardly make get my eyesballs to turn and look at it. Ming helped me see. Then, I saw. That's it. I went through so much, just for the millisecond my eye sends that speific impulse to my brain.

It wasn't spectacular, my results never were. I didn't expect it to either. In addition, my trials were downright horrible. What I saw was much better. Good enough to land me in my university of choice. However, my second scholarship eluded me by just that little bit. This is a better way of saying I've just thrown away RM 16,000. And oh, the guiltiness, the disappointment, and that lump in my throat. I would like to think that compared to the less fortunate, I should be more than satisfied with my current position. All I saw was the other part of the population, whose results made mine pale by far in comparison. It made me wonder WHY? Had I not done enough? What was it that I lacked?

Surprisingly, my parents didn't feel as bad. My dad even offered to buy me that phone I'm currently saving so hard for. Both are encouraging, and supportive. Gee, I wanted to hug them tight, cry, and say "I love you". But that'll be embarassing lah, heh heh. I know I have the best-est (the superlative of good, being superlated another level) parents in the world! I shall go to Nottingham, and study very very hard. A new goal is set. Master of Pharmacy, First Class Honours. Even if it means being boyfriend-less well into my 21st year. Yes, whatever it takes.

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