Monday, November 24, 2008

its about milton

After a nights worth of tossing and turning in my bed, I woke up an hour earlier than what I normally would do on a 9am-class-day. Waking up several times in the dead of the night to realize that I'm probably the only soul alert and conscious at this ungodly hour, did nothing to help my mood. Frustrated, I dragged my shivering self to the bathroom, hurriedly grabbing a towel along the way to wrap around some exposed limbs.

While I was brushing my teeth, I saw this girl frowning back at me in the mirror. Her eyebrows were brought closer together across the nose bridge, connected by a wrinkle of the skin. It's 7.10am in the morning and my brain is already reeling away at the issue I've been troubled about for 3 days now. When I deemed enough enamel polishing has been done for this morning, I spat out my toothpaste, hoping that my troubles came out with it, and wishing that I could wash that thought down the basin with a flick of my hand on the tap. What a silly girl I was, if it were that easy, it would've been done 3 days ago. And I wondered, at 19 going on 20, is a girl allowed any room to be naive and hopelessly hopeful?

The thing that bothers me most, I think, would be the fact that I can't share it with anyone, but the one person that is part of the problem. Oh, how I dread these moments when I am being tested, mentally and emotionally, in such brutal ways. Moments when you know what is the right thing to do, and yet, your heart is not at all keen to oblige. What the hell is the right thing to do then?!

I cared, maybe a little more than I'd like to. And that was more than enough to make me "do the right thing", and it lasted long enough for me to not feel the guilt towards my own heart, until the moment that person left. All these years of being told what is the "right thing to do", is starting to get on my nerves. And I admit, most of the time, the "right thing to do" involves swapping your selfish needs for another persons happiness. Would that be a Selfless Deed, or just Plain Stupidity? Tough choice, I guess.

Perhaps, one day. One day I will find a reason to justify my doing, if it didn't turn out the way I'd like it to. What are the odds? With my current unlucky streak, it's probably going to take a turn for the worse. Subconsciously knowing that, I surprised myself when I realized that I cared enough to have a nightmare about the worst ever outcome. Obviously the mug lying on my table is half empty at this point. I'm looking forward to a chance when I can just be selfish, and be happy for myself for a change. All that thunderstorm in my heart kind of business has got to stop. I find myself at the brink of crashing down.

The only difference between me and others is, there's not going to be anyone there to call 999 if I did. How I wish I could say I'm coincidently going to be so very close to Bedford.

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