Fragile Emotions

My eye hurts.

There's no doubt that it was due to the tears I shed while watching some ordinary videos. Like, a contestant on X-Factor getting their moment in the auditions, etc.

Lately, I've morphed into this person with very low emotional threshold, overreacting to emotional stimulants, such as words. And not just any emotions, mind you. It's stuff like feeling touched, excited or sad... especially it is something I can relate to. Not anger though, I haven't been angry for a long time, I think I've given up on it.

I wonder if it's because my heart has gone fragile since its last massive injury. Imagine a heart shaped china that was smashed to pieces. It may have took a long period of time to be pieced back together again. With industrial strength super glue, if you like. And now the china is standing again in its original shape. But you know, it is not as strong as before. You give it a little poke, and you can feel the structure shaking, but not yet breaking.

Something like that, yeah. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just not sure if I should (or can) do something about it. One thing's for sure though, that things happen in life, and they can change you. For better, or for worse, only time will be able to tell.

Big appetite

It would seem that the most energy consuming organ in me is my BRAIN.

My appetite lately is almost insatiable since work commenced, leaving me feeling famished 99% of the time, despite eating plenty! And I know it's plenty because it is scary just looking at the amount of food I vanish off everyday.

Current lunch plans have been updated to:

A mug of Cadbury's Hot Chocolate
4 slices of bread with jam
1 bag of random crisps
2 tomatoes

As it takes me an hour to get home after work, I have also found myself planning a pre-dinner snack on my journey, now being:

2 bananas
1 KitKat

Don't even want to get started on my breakfast/ dinner. And the worst part is, I haven't grown at all! Am I an alien or something?

Random Rant

Welcome to another moment of frustration with Ling.

Sometimes I care too much about how others feel. What's worse, is that I let that affect me. At this moment, I wish I was more cold-hearted.

Everyone is caring about what THEY want, as well as how I should be to help them get WHAT they want. Simply because they don't care.

I try telling them what I want, but in the end I always get mindgamed by them (and myself) into pleasing others.

You know what. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I'm too tired to care, I really am. It's your problem, and not mine. I've dealt with my share of the problem, and it's solved as far as I'm concerned. If you can't deal with it, LEARN. FYL.

HANG ON.

If you just thought, "Kudos girl", wait just a second.

On the other hand, if I stopped caring as much. So will everyone else (not that there's much of anyone else out there), and eventually, this place that we live in, will just turn into this gray, miserable place. Maybe that's why I'm special, because I still care about people. And just maybe, I can still show people that caring is worthwhile.

But everyone else is making it so difficult for me to be nice.

So I'm holding that thought, for further consideration.

Joining Oxford Brookes Uni Sports Centre

Thanks guys for the undying stream of peer pressure.

I AM JOINING THE OXFORD BROOKES UNIVERSITY SPORTS CENTRE BY THE END OF AUGUST.

There I said it. Once said, cannot chicken already. Pool only membership for only £40 for 3 months. It is an UBER nice pool heated at 30'C!

Of course the bonus is uni-student-views. Teeheehee... Must. Look. Damn. Hot. When. I. Qualify. For my personal confidence and satisfaction. Try talking me out of this one, hmph!

Too much dispensing

You know you spend too much time hiding within the great walls of the dispensary when...

You start getting '28' tablets or capsules, exactly, plus minus 1 occasionally, with one pour from the big bottle of 100's.

You have that 'look' when your colleague looks at you in amazement when you know Singulair lives in the 'M' drawer, because it is actually a brand of Montelukast.

You start correcting people's pronunciation of 'erithmin' to 'eh-ree-tro-mai-sin'.

FML.

Working Life

So this is what being a working professional is like. 2 weeks into the job, and I'm not even sure I get the hang of it.

It scares to think that for (almost) the rest of my life, I will have to drag myself out of bed, work my ass off, and then try and recharge before having to drain my batteries again. FOR WHAT?

SO I CAN FEED MYSELF. And I still find myself starving for most of the day. I'm eating LOADS these day, it's crazy. But the job demands are ATP-demanding, and I find myself needing to refuel very often. Therefore I have stocked up on crisps and kitkats in my workplace's locker, and on my bag to enable snacking anywhere, anytime!

I'm struggling to have a life outside work.

When I'm home, I try not to think about work, or do any work for that matter. But I can't because of the wretched exam. Today I found out someone failed prereg. HOLY COW! I'm shuddering in fear now. If there's an earthquake near you, that would be me.

How do people find time to go to the gym, or take a class, or even have time to do their laundry for that matter? I'm just trying to get in touch with people outside of my work to feel alive! Already, that is hard. THOSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE SIAO OR WHAT. Either that or they don't do shit at work.

On another note, work is going well. Better this week. Much better. Imagining the rest of the year is no longer an episode of "One Litre of Tears" now. Yours truly was just too quick to feel disappointed with my ability to adapt. Truth is, it does take awhile. And I was putting too much pressure on myself, as always.

Need to master - chilling.

Tons of things to look forward to in the coming weeks and months. Foreseeing many many trips to London, because there're people visiting from Australia, Malaysia, etc. At least some sense of normalcy has resumed --- being the Busy Bee that I am...

Quarter Life Crisis

If you don't already know, I was having a quarter life crisis. With this new life, in a new place, with new people, new job...

I was struggling to cope, especially without my regular support group of friends around. And then, Daniel sent me this amazing piece which I think my peers could read and relate to.

Dedicated to you all...

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't now and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job...and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger.

You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself.....and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Awaiting my parents

Gotta say I'm getting tired of long distance travels now. The amount of traveling I did since April was excessive. I think I almost wasted the equivalent of a week's time on buses/trains/ planes alone. For most of it, I was traveling alone.

And thinking, and thinking, and thinking... until I'm too tired to think!

Perhaps it's because I've outgrown yet another phase of life. Whatever comes after seemed somewhat daunting.

Well since I was pulled into kindergarten at 5, life mainly revolved around education, and surviving examinations, one at a time. At 21 and a half, it's been 16.5 years of learning. If you think this is the end of examinations, you're too wrong.

Tis the time to put this 16.5 years of knowledge to the ultimate test, and see what I can make of myself. There's no one else to blame for failures, no more resits, no more misuse of extenuating circumstances to my own advantage.

More than ever now, learning has to continue, more, faster and harder! If I want to achieve what I want. There are people out there, who wants it too, and they will do anything they can to beat me to it. But guess what, I know what I want, and I want it BAD. So back off people. Better give up before you get disappointed.

I'm just kidding about the last paragraph. Or maybe I'm not.

Looking back on the 16.5 years, the last 4 was undoubtedly the most challenging. To date, I am still astonished that I made it to the end of my Masters degree, and have my name ready to be read on Graduation Day.

Of the many times when I just broke down and cried from stress and depression, I really (honestly, genuinely, wholeheartedly) thought I didn't have what it takes to make it to the end of the road. Ask my mother how I cried to her on the phone from a toilet cubicle because I thought I failed a paper back in Year 2. Thank goodness, I never failed a single paper throughout my uni years. It's an achievement on its own. But lo and behold, I learned that a little perseverance, determination and hard work goes a long way. Especially when lacking in natural talent. Cliche, but true. There is a reason why words along these lines are overused, simply because there is truth to it.

All these fond memories of education, I will replay in my head, as I prepare to accept the scroll I worked so hard for. The finishing line will be reached next Tuesday. Wait for it.

Changes on me, but still it may change nothing.

A new realization has dawned upon me. Who knew that so many things could change in one summer, one trip back home? You know I'm not as stubborn as you think, I can change quite easily, for all the reasons perceived as right.

Life changed

Going home was nerve wrecking as I haven't been home for awhile. Things back home have changed while I was gone, and so have I while I was away, and I wasn't sure if I could feel entirely comfortable being back as I did before I left. But. For most of my worries, there were pleasant surprises beyond my wildest imagination.

Life turned out to be breathtakingly phenomenal. Multiple meetings with branches of the family tree took place. It somehow reminded me of how much I've grown, and changed. Met a ridiculous number of people this summer, reinforcing old friendships, and building new bridges with a handful of amazing souls I am very pleased that I have met. Being at home made me miss home even more when I left.

And so, I know no matter how long I will be away, this is and always will be HOME. A place where life is most comfortable for me, and it is lovable this way.

Perceptions changed.
An unfortunate incident on someone I know, shook me to realization. I felt helpless, but I prayed for them. God bless her and her family. I guess we all need a wake up call every now and then, to realize that life is not in our hands to control, as much as we love to believe in the contrary. Life could be taken away anytime, if not by yourself, it could be by someone else.

And I kept thinking, would I be happy if I died now. If I had the chance to do something quick before I die, what would it be? I think I would just let the people I care about know how much I love them, for they made my life worth living, just by being part of it. I would want them to know that, because they could still make another person's life beautiful.

Resolutions changed.
I'll take an advice from someone this time. I have resolved to attempt to quit voluntary/ unnecessary drinking and clubbing, and other vices. If I can cut a habit of hitting people, I can do this too. Again, I'm not as stubborn as you think. I can, and will change, for the right reasons. Because I want to.

By the way, its about time I announced this. Yours truly is currently back in Nottingham, preparing for graduation on 20th July, and gearing up to start work on 26th July in Oxford. Yes, I graduated! Another post on that later ;) The next few weeks will be challenging for reasons I cannot seem to explain, but I'll cope, like I always do.

Shu Uemura & Zouk KL

Impressed by the flawless finish of the makeup by done by Shu Uemura makeup artists for my mom on the occasion of my grandfather's grand birthday bash @ Hilton, my mom and I returned for more of their products. From her massive purchases, she earned a small bottle of Shu Uemura's UV under base mousse, which went to me of course!

It's earned a place at the front line of my makeup routine. Nowadays....(single and old) I go out of with at least a hint of eyeliner. Such a vain pot. Not for pasar malams of course, waste of money, I'm not stupid. Now I have my UV base on too.

I use it as a skincare product for it's UV protection with SPF 30++, but it comes with a bonus of minimal coverage, and evens out the complexion with a dewy glow akin to the glow on Koreans or Japanese girls. Now that I've found their secret, I'm not letting it go. It is so awesome that I don't need my mineral foundation anymore, plus it doesn't even feel like its there.

Proof of effectiveness? I challenged it to a night of clubbing at Zouk, where it had to endure sweat, sebum production, and long hours. The result was more than impressive. My face had a gentle glow all night, without appearing shiny or oily. You can tell from how the light bounces off my face and compare that to the others. The best part is that it smoothed my skin tone without too much coverage, to allow any blush to come through. This gave the impression that I didn't have on too much makeup. Evidence...

I'm so lovin' it. A skincare product that doubles as a light makeup is my prayer answered. Been using it for 2 weeks now, and no breakouts from it. Lovely.

P/s: Absolutely hate it that Zouk KL allows smoking indoors. Guess it saves them from having to buy smoke machines.

pharm-eo-types

Stalkers of my Facebook would realise that I was at Skytrex just last weekend. Seriously, activities like these should feature more on young adults/kids to-do-list. Rather than karaoke or clubbing. Look what an unfortunately disaster I've become.

Screaming amongst the treetops...

"*u*k! Why are my legs so short?!", driving the rare species of our precious Malaysian rainforest closer to extinction. How are animals supposed to get aroused and breed, while listening to my whines?

Many exotic bugs died laughing, watching me cling onto trees for dear life, because I decided to chicken the moment I reach the platform.
(I had a serious conversation with my guts after the trip for not chickening earlier, utterly rubbish timing.)

Evidence of me conquering my preset pharmacist mindset.

For most of the time, my OCD with safety, marinated with anxiety, topped with a generous helping of paranoia was my mental diet. I conveniently blame it on 4 years of pharmacy education.

Always being reminded to act only with 100% confidence of safety, it was important to ensure that we did not have any part in compromising anyone's quality and (quantity?) of life, and also to maintain the continuity of our fragile career without lawsuits or professional disownment.

With career prospects this scary, paranoia became my best friend, because I would not let anything fishy slip through the cracks of my fingers, until I get down to the bottom of it.

That explains why I was double checking, and triple checking my harness at Skytrex, must've came across like a retard to new people I met, most of whom were auditors. There goes my first impression, flushed right down the toilet bowl - Pharmacists are psychos. Occupational hazard, much?

Like the pharmacist software installed deep within our puny little brains, information was processed as such:

What? Hello, my harness. Pleasure to meet you for the very FIRST time. I have no idea how safe you are.

How? Use the harness as per advise I just learnt from 'The Instructor'. The lecture was about 15 minutes. And I'm not even sure if he's passed his SPM even, so does he even know what he's talking about?

Actions taken? Zero previous attempts on my side. Several safe attempts from the other. That's reassuring, somewhat. But the we were trained not to take people's word for granted.

Medications? Not on any. Was not even hungover. That's good :) But I'm not sure about The Instructor. He was speaking, slowwwwwwwwwwwly.

The consequences? That's an EXTREMELY long fall, naturally that should be what's expected of the EXTREME circuit. Duh. But 1 fall is all it takes *gulp* And I will not die a peaceful death until I know my results in mid-June. Oh, how sad is my life.

My final decision? With a little reassurance, I afforded a little faith, and let go for the flight of my life. And it was exhilirating to say the least. A small price of faith, for generous returns of courage and accomplishment.

Lesson of the day?
Leave the paranoia to the patients. Override the defaulted settings MPharm has hardwired onto me, when outside of work. It may be as challenging as overcoming instincts, but I need to have faith, and take risks. Because...

"人生有多少个十年, 最重要的是活得痛快!"

3 weeks in - Malaysia

It has almost been 3 weeks, and already I'm changing.

When I first landed, I was already yearning to go back. To my housemates, my friends, my degree, my uni, anxious to kick start my UK career. Now that every bit of me has adjusted, and embraced home, and I'm actually feeling a little reluctant to return so soon.

I flew in with hopes. Some hopes were smashed into pulp while I wasn't paying attention, but that stemmed new hopes. Life changed. With the burden of the degree off my shoulders, I found myself rediscovering life. For myself.

I once found the best thing that has ever happened to me in UK. Now, I've found that I have the best thing(s) I could ever want, and they have been with me all along.

Priorities were rearranged, plans were reshuffled... wherever life takes me, I am ready.

Water Expansion

Here's something I wanted to post up since Friday, but really didn't have the time to do it.

This random thing popped up while I was swimming, and wondering about water expansion under the influence of heat.

Does water expand with increased heat? I think it does.
But how do you measure purely water expansion, without the influence of evaporation, and pressure, i.e. atmospheric or from any kind of container.

Pardon the lack of scientific knowledge. I just had to ask.

Perhaps I have other things to think about, but at the moment, I'm enjoying the ability to reconnect with randomness, as I draw my thoughts away from The Blackhole.

is phail

There is a certain aspect to my life that is nothing but one word - PHAIL.

God knows I gave it my best shot, my all and my everything, in fact, a million percent. However these things are like the stock market, it's not about how much you invest, if it's not meant to be, it will come all crashing down on you. You get hit worse, if you have invested more.

It's painful to know that somethings, you just can't earn from hard work. Especially if it's something you want so very badly.

So now let's start clearing up the mess from my last attempt, because it's going to take awhile. Persistence and perseverance doesn't always apply.

Baby - Justin Bieber

A dedication: Baby - Justin Bieber ft Ludacris



Oh ~ oh ~ oh ~ oh.
You know you love me, I know you care,
you shout whenever and I'll be there.
You are my love, you are my heart
and we will never ever ever be apart.
Are we an item? girl quit playing,
we're just friends, what are you saying.
Said there's another, look right in my eyes,
my first love broke my heart for the first time.
And I was like

Baby, baby, baby oooooh,
like baby, baby, baby noooooooo,
like baby, baby, baby, ooooh.
Thought you'd always be mine, mine

Oh, for you I would have done whatever,
and I just can't believe we aint together
and I wanna play it cool but I'm losing you
I'd buy you anything, I'd buy you any ring,
and now please say baby fix me and you shake me til you wake me from this bad dream.
I'm going down down down down
and I just cant believe my first love won't be around.
And Im like


When I was 13 I had my first love,
there was nobody that compared to my baby
and nobody came between us, no-one could ever come above
She had me going crazy, oh I was star-struck,
she woke me up daily, dont need no Starbucks.
She made my heart pound, I skip a beat when I see her in the street and
at school on the playground but I really wanna see her on the weekend.
She knows she got me dazing coz she was so amazing
and now my heart is breaking but I just keep on saying.

Now Im gone,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
now Im all gone.
Gone, gone, gone, gone, I'm gone.

Living for myself

Life starts, when you start living for yourself.

Make the best of everything you have, and carpe diem!
Because there's no one else more worth living for, than yourself.

Back from hiatus

About time to be back! The past 2 months or so has been a tornado-like end to my student life. Though I must say I'm much too old to cope with so much drama, excitement and disappointment in such a short period of time. In fact, I'm not only old now, I'm FAT. Blame it on my dissertation stress! I'm been pigging out like there's no tomorrow.

OR NOT.
Just kidding!

Actually its just a coincidental screenshot I took while skyping. This picture gave me 8 extra kilos. But actually I haven't gained any :( Yeah, if only it's so easy for me to gain weight!

I'm flying back to Malaysia on Thursday, due to land on Friday. About a month later, I have got to drag me bum back to UK for graduation, visa, and work :(

But at the moment, I'm enjoying aimless days, with absolutely nothing to do. Especially over the past almost-6-months, I've been working hard. Very, very hard. And I'm tired. I want to take a break. From all that. From EVERYTHING. Because, I'm really, really tired.

I have exhausted so much effort and energy, and yet, Newton's 3rd Law ceases to apply.

post-gala & project

Nope I didn't die after being sawed into half in the Gala Show. Though I must admit I nearly vanished into thin air, as I feel bits of myself disappearing off every single day. As if I'm not small enough, I'm getting smaller and smaller, and you just wait I will magically evaporate off one day!

The MagicSoc Gala show was a tremendous success! Tickets sold out, 100% positive feedback from guests, magicians mindblowing, volunteers amazing, and committee members phenomenal! Sigh, I couldn't have asked for more really. We have a great team planning the show from scratch, and I'm proud that we made it this far, further than what any of us could've imagined from the beginning. I must say I'm so proud of myself for dedicating into this. It's the best decision I've made, and the biggest project I've ever embarked on yet!

Post-Gala work came to haunt after the show. Just because the show is over, doesn't mean that the work ends there. I have got to sort out the volunteers rewards, and the events' report and also the post mortem. And then of course there's all my project work I've been putting off for the show.

It's all crushing me now!! Argh. Lotsa work to be done, before I fly off the Amsterdam on Sunday, returning on Thursday, flying to KL on Friday =) Holidays come with a price, and I will have to lug my books and project along with me I'm afraid. Work continues, and if you stop by C19 and you may just be able to witness my suffering =)

how do you help a crying girl?

Just the other day in the ladies', I came out of the cubicle to find this pretty girl crying by the basin.

She was like an albino bunny. Flawlessly fair skin, but eyes red and bloodshot from crying. This bunny was frantically texting on her mobile while her friend kept advising her to ignore "someone".

My heart sank.

I don't know her at all. But seeing someone cry so hard but unable to do anything about it aches me. All I could do is watch, and leave ASAP so she could have some peace and quiet. Let The Friend handle this, I thought.

Somehow, I felt bad. Like, all I could do is leave her to her misery. The entire day, I kept pondering if there was anything I could've done, but didn't do for her.

Sigh. Somebody tell me.

On a separate note, I wonder if promises are made to be broken? Perhaps I hold on to words too strongly. But isn't that what the word "promise" is for? To provide additional assurance, and guarantee. Something for the recipient to believe in, to hope for. Or is that not how people use this word nowadays?

de ja vu

I feel as though I'm reliving The Dark Moments again. How I let this happen to myself again I do not know. Perhaps I'm just prone to self-destruct.

When I thought I've found something good, it turned out to be otherwise yet again. Another disappointment to add the my collection of miserable life experiences. Perhaps I'm not cut out to be the one with a happy ending.

It's as if someone saved me, only to drown me again. They say having had that experience before, helps you deal with it the next time it happens. I say the fact that I've experienced it before only made it worse this time around.

I'll never know when this is going to be over. If it's ever going to be over.